I Don't Understand .. .. .. .. & my trip

I actually feel very tired while typing this, its because once i think of her, i cannot sleep anymore.

For so long I just cannot make up my mind that why can she treat me like this ? ? ?

I admit that I didn't treat her well some time, but not that i didn't put any effort in our relationship ( ask anyone close to me or me then you will know, how i treat her beside throwing tantrum to her )

She could just turn off the switch in her mind and then treat me like a stranger or some one she hated

I told myself that she is not same person that i use to love anymore

I can choose to HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE her

Since that she is treating me like this , making me hurt and hurt and hurt so bad

BUT, i just cannot do it !

I cannot hate some one that loved me and I still love very much !!! ( Stupid me )

She maybe saying TONS of terrible things behind me, maybe teasing with other people of my stupidity

After all, she is still a person that i care very much ..

After all, she is still the person that i love very much ..

I not a perfect person, I throw tantrum to her always, but it doesn't mean that she don't mean anything to me, just that i take her for granted when i am in rage

A angry person always say things that they don't mean it.

No one will know how sad and regret i felt, after every time i throw my tantrum to her

(hitting the wall and cutting myself are those punishment that i given myself for mistreating her)

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Yesterday, i spent the whole day with my course mates to Pulau Ketam, a island just off the Port Klang. On the way, a lot of memories of her with me started to appear in my mind.

On the freeway, It recalls me of She went to the Bon Odori with me

That time, we actually got lost since we don't really know where the exact place

But fortunately, we passed by the petrol station and there is actually a mad there

Yesterday, i again pass by the same petrol station and the map

I try to spent more time with my friends so that i wouldn't think of her that much

However, those image of her in mind just too overwhelming

On the boat, we actually pass by those seaside restaurant, where once during our internship we had dinner there. Though we went there on separate occasion but still she is in part of memory where i am there. I actually planned to bring her there for seafood and some sightseeing too, BUT its already too late.

There just isn't any minute that she don't appear in mind, just that i am hiding it and tell everyone i am fine but i am not.

no one will know how important is her to me ...

not even her ...