Even though I know you how much how much you hate it, I can’t do anything but this
In front of your door, just idly waiting

Even though I’m so miserable, it’s better than losing you
I can’t lose you, so I stay near you, in front of your door waiting

You who won’t answer my calls anymore, you who doesn’t want to see me at all
No matter how I beg for forgiveness, there’s already no use

Waiting by your door, even if you pretend you can’t see me
Brushing past my shoulder like seeing a stranger you just met
Waiting until you are willing to hear me say sorry

Looking at my phone ten times a day, even jumping at the slight sound
To find out if you had sent me a text message

At first, at first, I thought like normal fights you would come back
Because you’re such a nice girl you wouldn’t be so cruel to leave me

You who won’t answer my calls anymore, you who doesn’t want to see me at all
No matter how I beg for forgiveness, there’s already no use

Waiting by your door, even if you pretend you can’t see me
Brushing past my shoulder like seeing a stranger you just met
Waiting until you are willing to hear me say sorry

2AM - You Wouldn't Answer My Call

It's just like what have happened to us

I'm Sorry ~

One month Later ~

One month later after that "special" day ~

Terrible day !!!! I am such a sitting duck !!

438 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to report Police, but the other driver didn't show up !!

Hopefully my car can be restore back to normal !!

I have been wondering ~

16th of March 2011

Finally "I" make it to 16th of March

It suppose to be " We", but its now " Me "

16th of March could be a normal to many of you ...

But it could be somebody's Birthday

But it could be somebody's Working Day

But it could be somebody's Holiday

But it could be somebody's Happy Day

But it could be somebody's Sad Day

But it could be somebody's Race Day

But it could be somebody's delivering Day

It use to be a normal day in my life too, but now it seems a little bit hard for me to go through

16th of March ..Its suppose to be a special day

but it had turn into a normal day, a rather sad normal day

Bui Kia ~

During my Diploma studies, my group of girl friends have given me a Nickname

Bui Kia =Fat guy in Hokkien dialect

Lately, i have been trying to work out everyday, and i started a week ago .. LOL

I hope that i could look different by the time new college semester starts ..

Friends, wait and the see the face-lifted Dex/Cullar Tho a.k.a Bui Kia

I have not been seeing you for some time
but i still could see you in my dream

you are always WELCOME to my heart and soul

My Life Lately ~

Have been training for last 2 weeks, and is very tiring, though just facing the computer.

Fantastically, for a person that doesn't like figure or mathematics, can survive in the financial dept.

Since it just + - x / , so i still managing

its taking me ages just to sort out credit cards bill, calculating, keying into the system, just for a day's business .. LOL

after being in the Income Audit section, I am now in the Receiving or offloading bay

everyday check products that the hotel ordered from the supplier, from canned food to life seafood , apa macam pun ada .. haha

in the hotel for 2weeks, have been experiencing fantastic colleagues which willing to spent time teaching me.. thank you so much OneWorld Hotel colleagues ..

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lately i have addicted to travelling, especially on weekends..

i just dun feel like staying at P.J for the weekends, it just make me feel " EMO "

i have travelled to PorT Dickson last weekend,

and Tomorrow am going to Malacca ... hehe ..

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Had a dream with about her the other night, it again seems very real, i was hugging her, but in the dream i realized i am dreaming again, and actually i was hugging my bolster..

Erm, nvm .. maybe its good to dream and hope dream come true ...

INternship finally started ~ Valentines ~ terrible eyesight

Finally my internship started on last monday

I am back working in a hotel, but this time in management

Currently in Finance Department, doing sorting bill and entering data into the comp

Finally i know what happen to all those bill and receipt from the Front Desk

All of it will end up in at the Finance dept.

Have been working for 2 days, the work is roughly the same still..

Though i try to concentrate in my work, however there are still some space in my brain to think of her.

After all, hotel is where the setting for the beginning of our relationship

definitely i will still think of her !

Especially today, where i am help my superior to sort out a bill where the guest have purchase movie to watch in the room..

when i go through the list, most of the movies i have watched before, and most importantly i watched those with her.

We always watch movie, maybe that is what i like to do ...

But now ,she will not watch movie with me anymore.

since the beginning of the year until now, i have only watched 1 movie

i don't even watch CNY at all, no matter how my friends persuade me ..

I think that annoyed most of them .. Sorry, my FRiends ...

I don't know when will i have the mood and guts to watch another movie.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

it have been a single valentines for me, but fortunately there are friends with me

it have already past, i will not be able to celebrate 2011's valentine with her anymore

sorry will not turn back time as a friend say to me, and i understand it truly

sorry to her, myself and my friends and everyone, because i still love her very much

i have not stop loving her yet .. sigh

I love You , I am Sorry ~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

will crying really cause a person's eyesight get worst ?

because my eyesight is really terrible nowadays

sigh ... i really need to get a pair of glasses as soon as possible

or else it is difficult to even drive ~

maybe with poorer eyesight, i will not be able to see you from even close distance

haihz .. my mood have not been better, though i didn't update my blog lately is all due to lack of time but not that i got better already .. i just can't find a way to make myself feel better ..

such a loser !!!!

working have not been helping,

though working is very tiring,

tiring but my brain is turning,

turning and thinking of her without a moment of stopping.

My Chinese New Year ~ Coming Valentines. . .

Happy Chinese New Year again ...

I could say this is the worst Chinese New Year ever for my 21 years of life.

On the way back to my hometown, will actually pass by the place call Sungkai.

I actually been there with her, to the a very famous hot spring at there.

taking the same route there and back, make me recall the our trip there .. BIg Sigh ..

For my Chinese New Year dinner there at my hometown dinner, i actually have it with my relatives at the restaurant.

the settings, surrounding and atmosphere, again recall me the last time i have dinner at such restaurant. it was during her grandmother's birthday dinner ..

I still remember how nervous i felt that time, getting to meet her grandmother and her relatives.

haihz. . . i must be a very dumb person still thinking of her every single day after so long, still torturing myself, being so immature.

But i really can't help myself to think of her all the time, everything just seems to recall me of her . Even a small little child, would recall me of her childhood look, though it's not really clear in my mind, but i still think of her due to that.

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Just another week it will be Valentines Day 2011, Big Sigh ~~~

seeing all those sweet couple make me feel very envy and very sad too ...

I have not celebrate Valentines Day with her before, was always thinking of celebrating with her

I remember not long after i be with her, in order to know more of her past, i actually read her blog, since those very old post.

I still recall there is a post in one of the year's Valentine Day , she actually post that , Cheer for single Valentines Day, due to that

I promised to celebrate Valentines Day in the future years to come with her, after reading the post.

But we can't even managed till our 1st Valentines Day, I feel so sad and regret for that.

I still remember my promise and i still Wanted to celebrate with her very much

!!!!

but she don't wanna celebrate with me anymore ... sigh ..

Since she celebrated her CNY holiday overseas, i think she had a wonderful time there and forgotten everything sad that happened especially ME , but of course i didn't forget her a single bit and still love and miss her just like the day she left me ..

I wanted to celebrate all the special days with you still

小涂涂, always love you !!

no matter how foolish everyone think of me ~ Sigh

Chinese New Year is here ...

I remember last year CNY, is in the middle of my internship

also because of it, i started to fall in love with her as i mentioned before

feel so sad that i couldn't celebrate this festive season with her, though i wish for it very much

I miss her more and more over the days

just couldn't forget her, forget what happened between us.

it might just be a small part of our life, but it mean whole lot to me.

I really feel she is the one for my future, we planned alot for our future too.

Today i smsed one of my friend, it actually feel like as if i just know my friends during our internship together.

How good if it all restart and i know all of them once again.

Then i could start our relationship with her in a much better way, and it would last longer

My brother actually asked me for movie tomorrow night with my parents

but i refused, because i just couldn't take it, it remind me so much of the past.

I just don't want to watch movie during CNY, especially CNY related movies.

I might just not appear in her mind all these days after we break up

but i can confirm with you that she did, appear in my mind all the time, every single milliseconds

She did tell me that she don't love me anymore and will not come back to my side when we break up

but some how I just don't feel like giving up, though i feel very suffer all this while

this utterly the most foolish thing i ever do

WHY is DEX THO SHI LEONG So FOOLiSH??

WHy i wanna hurt myself ?

SHe will not care anymore ?!

SHe might just laughing behind me and say " this is one stupid boy ?! " HOw funny is that ?"

" he is so effing dumb that think he is one loyal XBF ?" " day dream all the time, WTF ?"

That is because she don't realized how important is she to me ...

Maybe she never did, until she don't love me anymore and dump me ..

But till then it doesn't matter anymore

I spent most of the time in my day, sleeping and chatting with friends, hang out with friends, try

to have most of my time occupied ..

By no matter how bad i crack jokes, how hard i laughed, how funny is the movie i watched

i just couldn't get rid of her from my mind, she is just there every single moment

since the day our relationship started until it ends until this very moment, she is in my mind

My life nowadays is filled with regrets, regrets of the past.

Why didn't i realize and change before such things happen ?

People around tell me that " what is the point to regret ?? when things have already happened?"

but i already started to change, for the good of course ? beside that is regret ....

i really hope she will give me another chance, and i will not disappoint her again.

I really do think i still worth one more chance, one last chance ..

Because i really don't wish to losses her once again, if only she will be with me again.

I past my day with sadness, regret and tears

hatred of myself, my attitude ..

New Year just don't seems to be a new start for me ..

not that i don't listen to other people's advice, not that i don't appreciate their presence

I do, i really do, I really do appreciate their guidance

She just mean too much for me, i losses so much of myself, i just can't get all those pieces together, some just gone forever..

I am sorry, i ruin her life and my own life ..

Sometime when i am driving, i really do feel like crash together with my car, or get a knife to cut myself, or just keep hitting the wall until i break my fingers

but i just can't .. i cannot do such foolish things anymore.. sigh ..

HAppy CHinese New Year ?

She will have her CNY holidays else where

i just hope she will have a safe flight to and back

and have a enjoyable trip

小涂涂 love you ~

能帮我告诉她吗 ? ? ?

你知道现在的我有多么痛苦吗　？

为什么你要那样对我呢　？

你的一句因为你要单身，就要否决了我们的感情了吗　？

为什么你可以那么的洒脱，把我们的一切都忘记了吗?　你说你跟我在一起的时候很辛苦，可是你

有真的给过我机会去改吗？

你一说分手，就没再给我机会了。

你是有给过我机会，可是都是默默的，在心里你一次又一次的原谅我，从不明确的表达你的想法。

但是，都是我的错，因为我都没察觉你的痛苦，你的谅解,　你的付出。

在这一个多月里，我每一晚都梦见你　。。

梦见你原谅我，再一次给我机会。在梦里我真的很开心，我都以为是真的，可是都是一场梦。

我情愿梦不到你，至少我醒来的时候不会那么痛苦。

以前我都说你的记性不好，现在我真的很羡慕你，因为你能忘记，而我就要记得每一个细节

也许美好的回忆都变成了我的痛苦，我的包袱。

在这一个多月，几乎每一天我都是有眼泪相伴的，你一定觉得我很笨吧？为了一个与我在一起短

短９个月的人,　有必要那样吗？　９个月，在一个人的人生当中占据了又有多少呢？为什么纠缠

下去呢？　有不可能有结果了。我无法忘记我们的过去，我们的点点滴滴，我们为了对方的付出

我永远不会忘记你的，也不会忘记你那天在火车上对我说的一切，我真的很想恨你！

但是我做不到。

因为如果不是你，我就不会有那美好的９个月。

但是现在都变了我痛苦的源头。

希望你也能想想，在我们之间发生过的一切。。

我真的很想抱着你说：　对不起，我还是很爱你～

小涂涂还是很爱你的

也还等着你会来

你快回来吧

8:30am, 11:30am, 5:30pm make me a Emo Kia = Emo Person

Since yesterday morning i have started to be emo again.

Things started to float back into my mind.

I could just wake up and cry and fall asleep again.

I just feel very painful and suffering.

I just feel like crying every single moment, but i can't .. that is very suffering.

I force myself to hold my tears, to act like i am fine with everything, but obviously i am not

I cannot show my family that I am that much devastated.

Every morning, I would wish that she will sms and let me know that she have reach her working place safely, but of course she never did after the incident happened. = 8.30am

I would wish her to tell me that she is having her lunch now with her colleagues some where near her working place, tell me what food she have for her lunch, but of course she will not tell me anymore. = 11.30 am

I wish and pray so hard, that she will let me know she have finish her work and on the way back now, and ask me to fetch her home. But of course that didn't happen ever since she left me.

5.3o pm

All this time in the day, it will remind me of her. those hour that i will normally received her messages. But now my phone no longer ring during those time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Truly feel very painful and suffer nowadays

As if there is something wrong with me, right , there is something very wrong with me nowadays

Nothing really gain my attention nowadays, NOTHING ~!

She will not know how terrible i feel nowadays, and she will not bother or care.

People tell not to continue like this anymore, no matter how much you cry and suffer, she will not know or bother, why still do all this. But what choice i have, i cannot control myself?! She have been part of my life ever since she be with me, i don't do all these to show her, its just that is really how i feel.

Life just not been any better after she left. I tried to be happy, I really did ...

I want her to come back so much !!! I want to celebrate Chinese New Year and Valentines with her every year ! ! !

joesonghabnida !!!

Your B is still waiting for you !

Hotel surroundings remind me of her ~

Last Night actually spent whole day being busy with my best friends' birthday.

Checking in to the hotel actually makes me feel like training in the hotel last year.

( using key cards) to utilize the lift and so on.

All thanks to my internship that I actually know her.

In the beginning, I actually don't like her and her attitude and I even told my friend about it.

But some how, She is some one that mean a lot to me now.

In the beginning, both of us due to some issue that we couldn't be together right away even we liked each other.

eventually, we got together too.

I can still remember clearly the first time i hold her hand. Its after we finish our work, while walking away from the hotel then i hold her hand. That time i only managed to hold her hand for a few minutes.

So being in a hotel surroundings actually remind me of her, so much had happened while we still training in the hotel.

We got started in the hotel, worked together, had meals together, solve problem together.

I still remember that is one time that both of us actually work at the same shift in the middle of the night.

Due to the reason that we work at different section of the hotel, she actually called me through the phone and talk for some time, cause is kinda boring in the night. She even walked over to my counter to go have supper with me. I really miss that moment.

I miss reading her blog, that She said she had found the one, and would tear me into pieces if i mistreat her.

And she did, I am in pieces now .. BIG SIGH ..

I still cry until now

cried this morning

due to the guilt that i am still feeling now until today

I hate my attitude

Its gonna be ONE month !

After today, She and I will have been separated for 1 month.

1 month that don't have her in my life.

Which means i have been crying everyday for the past 1 month

I can't believe it too, that someone could actually affect me that much.

BIG SIGH ~ again and again .

Its really crazy right ?? That a person could actually mean so much to me ?

A guy that always seems not serious in his do about, his life, and non-serious character.

would actually be so different and negative due to a person ?!

NO doubt, I am. I am a very different person nowadays, I would still crack stupid jokes with my friends to make everyone seems its fine.

I think i am a much more care-free person nowadays, that not much of matter could affect me mood( Its that a good good thing ? or a bad bad thing ? )

I still feel very hurt for losing her..

still feel very hurt for things that she did to me after we broke up.

Maybe that is how she feel during those time being with me, i keep telling myself the same thing over and over again.

It's one month now, She have forget me completely for sure.

But, I have not .. maybe due to my memory, i could re-trace most of the things happen between me and her, and places that we have been to..

Again, its that a good thing ? or bad thing ??

Today, i actually started to go all these places again, and it seems that i actually remember most of the places.

do click here for photographs viewing..

Memories that cannot be taken away

will be in my mind as always

like i would Love you as always too !

All those photographs and memories

There is a lot of places around my area, that i actually spent time with her.

I have never be so committed in doing all this things before.

During those time that being with her, i just feel that we should left our footprint in most of the places around our area.

At least, that is what i think .

But now, it causes me not to dare to venture to all those places again

at least i will choose not to

because it will just remind me all those memories

Things that happened there, and time that we spent there.

Since outings with one of her best friends that had trigger me to take photos of her every time we went somewhere to record where, what and when.

Of Course i still keeping those photographs, those precious time and memories that being with her.

Though i might not dare to open the file and see all those photo again, but at least its there for me

~~There is one very important photographs that I have no copy~~

A photo that signify something that happen only once in a lifetime

That is the graduation photo that I taken with her

She actually printed it out and put it in a frame

But now surely is not there anymore but some where far far away.

I really regret that i didn't get to copy that photo

That photograph mean a lot to me, if she didn't save it and she had tear the hard copy then will not be able to get the photo again .. BIG SIGH ..

I want that photograph very much !! aiks ..

photographs ?

or

Memories ?

All matters !!!

I can't describe how much i miss her now ~

SaRangHaeYo ~

Life is like a mess nowadays for 小涂涂 ~

My life is like a great mess nowadays..

everything is like a mountain..

My car is so dirty that i don't even have the time to take care of it ..

don't have to think about the interior, i have not been vacuum for some time already

Big SIGH ..

I miss her helping me to take care of my shirt basket..

it use to be a big mess, that she would help me arrange and fold all those shirt

but now it look like this .. aiks ..

I can just forget about folding all this shirt already .. i just got feel like folding it.

When she is with me , she even take care of the money in my wallet..

really miss her helping me doing all this..

No one will know how bad I wish she will come back to in my life..

She mean too much to me ..

sigh .. .. ..

wishing so much that she would come back!!

So that she will know how much i have changed

though she will not care anymore

Sigh

and my latest favorite song is in the blog for playing already..

4th weekend .. ..

Today is the 4th Sunday, since we break up.

which means I have miss 4 Sundays of her life.

I miss her so much, but there just isn't much that I can do.

All my friends ask me to give up on her

I know its not that I cannot give up, its just I don't want to, SO ??

I made my decision of continue to wait for her, scold me, hit me, curse me, do everything you might to get rid of me, I will still not give up.

How good if she is some soft hearted person, then she would forgive me and give me another chance.

Seriously, I really grateful to have her in life. Often, I see other pretty girls or other guys with girls together, I would look at the her at my side. I really grateful to have her at my side, something that I just couldn't explain with words.

But now She have left me, left me alone at the junction, to continue her journey alone.

I could just follow her, far far away, seeing her throwing all our memories away.

Tearing our photos apart into pieces.

Shattering my heart.

I know I shouldn't drop anymore tears.. .. .. .. :(

Though She is not my first love

But truly she hurt me the most

I have fall for her

&

Now i am falling down the cliff

I found that song ! I was Smiling when TEars dropped from my eyes

Last week, when i hang out with my friends.

on the way to our destination, i heard a Korean song from the radio, it sound so nice but i don't get to know the name of the song nor the singer, so since then i have been wondering.

I have been looking that song since then, i asked my classmate to help me, since she is better in all this Korean artist. She tried to give me some suggestion, but it don't seems to be the right one. So, i almost given up.

Then later today i go out go for jogging, on the way home, the radio actually playing this song again, i got so excited and i tried to record in case i don't remember how the song go.

Once i got home, i try to look for it. Some how I just got an idea of keying in some part of the lyrics in to Google search that i understand from the song " annyeong , sarang sarang sarang ~ goodbye goodbye goodbye ~ " Then it did show the singer's name and the name of the song.

I was so excited and didn't wait any longer to listen to the song, indeed it is the right one.

I keep listening to it again and again, I was so excited I told few of my friends that i found the song that i have been looking for.

I was so happy listening to it, and so excited. But eventually tears started to drop.

I try to hold the smile but the tears still coming out from my eyes.

All those memories between US started to appear in my mind again.

HAHAHAHA !!! :( I did laugh and smile but tears still drop ):

btw the name of the song is LOVE LOVE LOVE by FTIsland

I actually don't want to be like that song

say good bye good bye good bye to my love

because I miss her so much

because I love her very much

I don't want her to go away from me

我不敢到电影院去 。 。 。

每一天起身，就觉得很孤独。当我张开眼睛的时候，就觉得自己从梦中醒来，觉得闷闷的。。

我就会再想，她是否真的存在呢？我生命中真的有过这个人吗？还是那些都只是我的梦？

都快一个月了，我还是很不习惯，每天都在哪发白日梦。

我回头再想，我们的日子不只有9个月，其实也快一年了。

想起去年的农历新年，我在戏院遗失了我的钥匙。由于填表格的错误，再加刚巧你与你的家人也到那家戏院看电影，我只好拜托你帮了我一个忙，帮帮我改一改那填错的表格。好心的你竟然不妥我所望地帮我改了。从那时候起，我就对你的感觉有所改变。 所以我说，我对你的印象，对你的回忆从那时已经开始了。

我一直很希望可以跟你度过每一年的，不同的节日，可是也许已经没有机会了。

到了现在，今年的农历新年也快要到了。

很多都说电影院上映了很多部很好看的电影，可是我都没那个勇气到电影院去。因为哪有太多我与你的回忆。

就算是喜片，我都不会看得开心吧，又何必浪费钱呢？

也许我不应该那么的执著，搞到自己那么辛苦又何必呢 ？

天下有多少人会宁愿天天戴着假面具过日子呢 ？

人人都说我很笨，为什么还继续那样了？

她已经在努力的把我忘记。只有我在努力把一切牢记在心。

我有的选择的话，我也不想那样的 。。

一段感情不在于有多长，而是感情有多深。

也许她没有放太多感情，所以很洒脱，说放下就能放下。

可是我不能，因为我爱了就有坚持的理由。

我不是痴心，我不是情圣，我只是都我自己负责任

对我与她的付出，有个交代。

也许已经太迟了，也无法挽回，但是我不想放弃

我对她的承诺也许我没全都做到，也不是一个及格的男友，但是我也努力过

我只想继续的努力下去

原谅我吧 。 。 。

我的其中一个缺点就是我都喜欢把所有的错，自己扛。

不会原谅自己,也不会去怪别人 。。

现在没有人帮我挤青春豆了

当初总是觉得很痛

可是现在想再有那种感觉，也没机会了

Some new thing happened and CRISPY

This is the chocolate bar i used to buy for her..

I still remember the first I buy it for her.

She actually say that she want a chocolate bar call the " CRISPY " but then i tell her that i actually never heard of this brand before. . . SO .. lets just see

Its actually happened when I go for refuel my car, then she asked. So i actually walked in and saw is on display, so without doubt i buy it for her, FOR sure .. .. ..

She didn't noticed at first, so to give her some surprise i put on top of the windshield and let it slipped down, so she will be able to see it from the passenger sit. I am not sure whether she actually appreciate the little gift from me, maybe she don't .. ..

Since then i knew that she actually favor the chocolate bar very much then i started to buy for her some time..

She even likes snacks, so there is a few times that i actually enter the grocery and grab most the Potato Chips brand with the flavor she likes .. included the CRISPY chocolate bar. . . .

Now whenever i saw the CRISPY chocolate, i will think of her. Especially at that particular petrol station. SIGH ..

Today, i realized that she actually hide herself from my search in FB. It begins with ignoring my phone calls and smses , then blocked me , eventually removed me from her friend list, and now blocked again from searching her.

I really don't understand why she need to do everything till such extent. she really hated me that much?? that she treated me like an stranger in her live? or just throw me away into the rubbish bin as if I am some junk.

But obviously no matter what she do to me, there is just isn't any way that i could forget her, nor to say stop loving her.

SOrry, I just couldn't ..

15 Days before Chinese New Year

Today is the last 15th in the lunar calendar for 2010, which means there is just another 15 days to go before Chinese New Year.

I have always thought this year's CNY will be a special one, because there will be someone special to celebrate with me and my family as well. But it seems that, its no longer the case anymore.

Before we break up, we actually planned things that we gonna to do during CNY.

She even mentioned that , how is she going to visit my family during CNY, because her family and her is actually going for holiday overseas so might not be able to visit my family early. I told her is actually fine as long as she is there.

Me too planned what to do and buy to visit her family, since its the very 1st time and should make it special. However it seems that is no longer necessary. . Haihz ..

Its actually my wish that as a boyfriend of her could visit her and her family during CNY ..

How good if its still possible .. sigh ..

People alway say that Chinese New Year, should there be union ..

and I actually hoping that She and I can be together again..

BUT, is just a hope that have very very very low possibility of happening..

However, i am still hoping ..

it's always the saddest part

and the most painful part

that you and i are being apart

but I still have YOU in my heart

Regret .. ..

For the past few days, i suddenly recall of a incident.

It was a day a spent with my classmates, it suppose to be fine.

But end up like not really well.

On that day, she and I argued for some reason that I cannot remember.

Again, i use to same way so that i could calm myself ( no phone call and sms )

But she did call me, worried about me probably, cause i am driving in anger.

We talked on the phone, i got so angry then i yell at her through the phone

so angry that i even wanted to bang the tree,

so loud that i never do it before to anybody, I even lost my voice for couple of days.

i even blame her for causing me losing my voice.

I recalled of this incident, it reminds me of she too always yell at me through the phone.

due to fact that i make her angry and suffer always.

I think she really gone through one hack of 9 months with me.

I really feel very bad and sorry for her, for stuck with me for that period of time.

If only i could do better...

But there is nothing to be sorry about anymore, just me carrying all those guilt.

no body will truly understand how terrible i feel

If there is a chance to meet her again, i just want to hug her and say : I am sorry, Baby ..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish i could stop crying, but due to the fact that i couldn't, my eye sight actually getting very bad.

Worse than before, i can't really see signs boards or labels from far

It even affect my nighttime driving nowadays. sigh.

I miss her every single day

start to misses her beginning of the day

I try to hold those tears in my eye

but it seems that tears will not be running dry

I Don't Understand .. .. .. .. & my trip

I actually feel very tired while typing this, its because once i think of her, i cannot sleep anymore.

For so long I just cannot make up my mind that why can she treat me like this ? ? ?

I admit that I didn't treat her well some time, but not that i didn't put any effort in our relationship ( ask anyone close to me or me then you will know, how i treat her beside throwing tantrum to her )

She could just turn off the switch in her mind and then treat me like a stranger or some one she hated

I told myself that she is not same person that i use to love anymore

I can choose to HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE her

Since that she is treating me like this , making me hurt and hurt and hurt so bad

BUT, i just cannot do it !

I cannot hate some one that loved me and I still love very much !!! ( Stupid me )

She maybe saying TONS of terrible things behind me, maybe teasing with other people of my stupidity

After all, she is still a person that i care very much ..

After all, she is still the person that i love very much ..

I not a perfect person, I throw tantrum to her always, but it doesn't mean that she don't mean anything to me, just that i take her for granted when i am in rage

A angry person always say things that they don't mean it.

No one will know how sad and regret i felt, after every time i throw my tantrum to her

(hitting the wall and cutting myself are those punishment that i given myself for mistreating her)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, i spent the whole day with my course mates to Pulau Ketam, a island just off the Port Klang. On the way, a lot of memories of her with me started to appear in my mind.

On the freeway, It recalls me of She went to the Bon Odori with me

That time, we actually got lost since we don't really know where the exact place

But fortunately, we passed by the petrol station and there is actually a mad there

Yesterday, i again pass by the same petrol station and the map

I try to spent more time with my friends so that i wouldn't think of her that much

However, those image of her in mind just too overwhelming

On the boat, we actually pass by those seaside restaurant, where once during our internship we had dinner there. Though we went there on separate occasion but still she is in part of memory where i am there. I actually planned to bring her there for seafood and some sightseeing too, BUT its already too late.

There just isn't any minute that she don't appear in mind, just that i am hiding it and tell everyone i am fine but i am not.

no one will know how important is her to me ...

not even her ...

Wanting a movie with her .. and My Dream

I tried to call her for a movie this afternoon

But she didn't answer my call

I was hoping that she might at least answer and listen to me ..

But in the end she didn't

I was kinda disappointed again, though i expected she will not answer ..

She have been my movie pal for some time already

Now without her to watch movie with me anymore ..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning I actually dream of her again ..

This time the dream seems so real, that i feel so happy

I remember clearly that 1 line she said in the dream

She said " not much of couple can be like us, broke up already can be together again still, You better appreciate this time "

I of course answered her " There is no way I will not appreciate her this time "

But then once i wake up i realized it just a dream, how good if it really happen in reality..

If it happen in reality, my answer will definitely be the same like in the dream ..

miss the time watch movie with you

we always pick the sit with the number 7

we even argued fighting for the same seat

I regretted that i should have let you have the seat you want

Please, give me a chance

So that we can watch movie together

Every day Wishes ..

I started my day every single day making such wishes :

1) she will sms/call me and ask about my doings

2) she will sms/call me to tell me that she want me to fetch her home

3) she will sms/call telling me about her doings

4) she will sms/call asking whether i really love her

5) she will sms/call me asking whether i really wanted a chance

6) she will sms/call me to visit her

7) she will sms/call me to dine with her

8) she will sms/call me to watch movie with her

9) she will sms/call me to love her more than ever before

BUT, actually I wanted to sms/call her to tell her all these ...

Just that she will not reply me ..

how sad is that ..

Many of my friends advised me not to bear hope on her, so that i would't get ever more hurt

know what ? I started to hope again all this to happen at this very moment

Though i know it might not happen, though i know i will be disappointed in the end of the day

I just bear a little hope each day that it might ..

( This time i really fell in love with her very much, i might have fell in love before, but this time is more than ever )

Day by day she is getting further away

i just cannot keep up the pace

I don't want things to happen this way

But i don't have any other way

All I can do is just wait

Things that i do to get her back ~ and Disappointed

I waited and waited and waited, in the end there wasn't any news from her..

Maybe she doesn't know how much i wanted to meet her, or she just doesn't to meet me still ..

SIGH ..

3 Weeks ago ....

Remember the next day after we broke up, i actually drive to her house to look for her. I waited at the parking lot, wanting to meet her. But in the end, we only talked on the phone. I cried and begged her to not break up with me, but she refuse to listen to me. i asked her on that day for the reason that we break up, is it because of my temper? but in the end she given me plenty of reasons.

1) I don't have money and car

2) I am very childish

3) I don't have vision

4) I do things without care of other people's feeling

5) SHE DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, AND WILL NOT BE TOGETHER WITH ME AGAIN !

( The last one actually hurt me the most )

she asked me to go away, so i did .. i drove away in tears and stunt with what just happened.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then the next day, i actually went and waited her at the train station she normally go.

I was actually late on that day, i was so nervous that i might missed the chance of meeting her there. I walked up the escalator almost reaching the top, i saw her going down the other way. Once she saw me, she actually pick up her pace to avoid me getting to her. So, i ran using stairs and actually get to her. I tried to talk to her, and hold her hand but she just refused. We got into the train together.

In the train, i actually asked her again for the real reason.

She said that she don't like me anymore and will not be with me again.

I asked since when , she answered me it started 2 months ago ..

I was again shock and holding tears in my eyes, begging her for another chance

She refused and get abort from train.

i continue on my journey home alone, with tears in my eyes, recalling every words she said to me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

few days later, on the 30th .. i try again.

Originally, i planned on the 31st ( new years eve ) to wait her outside her office

But, on the 31st its actually a public holiday and i wasn't sure that she will work on that day, so I change to the day earlier.

On the 30th, i actually waited her outside her working place for 2 hours under the sun.

Due to lost of appetite, i actually didn't consume anything on that day, really feel like fainting.

I told her i was there waiting but she asked again to leave. But i didn't, with the hot sun and all the exhaust fume from the vehicle its really suffering, but i still manage to hang on until she finish her work.

I actually saw her from far, she is using another route, so i ran forward using another way to get to see her.

In the end, we saw each other, but i didn't step forward, i just see her from across the street

She didn't give me any reaction, she just talk to her colleague and went to the train station

I really feel disappointed and sad ..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel sad and hurt with the things she said to me. But i just doesn't know what is the real cause to all these, maybe those reason she given is true or it maybe not. But I know i am really hurt after hearing all those, and i deserve it. Due to the fact that i realized i didn't treat her very well too.. SIGH ..

I mistreated her and i admit it, but I admit too that i love her very much ..

She just not gonna give me another chance ..

But i will not give up, maybe i am too foolish and stubborn ..

i maybe very badly hurt

but i will not give up just

due to the fact she is the one i loved

and i will carry on like i promised

One thing i wish very much !!

Today is Saturday .. The third Saturday without her ..

I really feel like meeting her ..

I wanted to visit her very much ..

I wanted to go to her house and spent time with her ..

I wanted to play the SpongeBob Monopoly with her ( if its still there with her )

I really feel like sms her or call her to tell her how much I miss her and wanted to meet her very much !!

But i don't think its still possible ...

She already treat me like nobody now ..

Though I want nobody but her ..

She wouldn't even notice what i wrote here in my blog ..

But i wishes she will read my blog to know how am i feeling now ..

I hope GOD will let her know about this .. and give me another chance .. PLEASE !!!

days without her is suffering

maybe for her is enjoying

i just couldn't stop crying

I just couldn't stop hoping

This time and The last time My Dad been Hospitalized

Sigh .. again my dad being hospitalized due to allergic to medicine

this time i need to face all the worries on my own ..

Remember the last time, my dad been hospitalized due to bladder stone

i was equally worried as this time.

But she was there for me to accompany me , and comfort me ..

i was so worried that i got no mood since i got to know the news

but i am not there with my dad, so i cannot know the first hand news.

she was there accompany me at my home, despite her hunger she never complaint anything

due the reason that i need to wait for phone call at home, that i cannot go out dinner with her as i

promised her.

When everything have settled, i actually bring her along to visit my dad at the hospital.

then she get to meet some of my relatives..

i feel that it was a correct time for her to meet some of relatives as she only met my family

before.

BUT ...

This time is a completely different setting..

she no longer there for me ..

i wanted to tell her my problem so much, but i know she wouldn't care anymore ..

i force myself so bad to not disturb her, so that she won't feel annoyed ..

This feeling is very bad and painful .. sigh

How good that she still there for me to accompany me through all these problem ..

i really need her very much ...

I need you very much ..

Seriously ..

Love you ..

INtense Pain ..

Today didn't sleep well again ..

waken up few times .. and realized today is actually Friday ..

its gonna be the 3rd week, that i don't have her in my life ..

I use to like Friday, because its the day that WE would plan what to do on the weekend ..

BUT now, its no longer the same ..

with all the grief in my heart, I will always suffer on weekend.

Maybe she still plan for her weekend, Enjoy her life to the fullest ..

just that i don't have the guts to ..

I still wanted to spend my weekend with her, that we could go for a movie or a simple lunch

All this is not possible now ..

Last night, i suddenly recall of a Chinese song, title

" 比想像更想像你 " ( I miss you more than i could imagine )

I use to think this song suite the both us very much. BUT now ..

I wanted to say this to her very much :

BABY, I miss you very much !!!

Can you please come back to me ?

PLEASE ..

比爱你更爱你，

I LOVE YOU !!!!

How good is me actually ...

找到這樣の男朋友、千萬別分手 ☂

by Ys 公主 on Wednesday, January 12, 2011 at 5:26pm

1.朦胧醒来回你信息..

2.半夜里接你的电话..

3.告诉你——到家了就发消息给他..

4.你半夜睡不着发消息给他..他会陪你聊天..

5.雨天..同撑一把伞..他衣服的一半是湿的..

6.不论走到哪里..都一直拉着你的手..

7.愿意吃你吃不下的东西..

8.从来不迟到..你迟到他不会生气

9.不论去哪里..他都会来接你..无怨无悔..

10.不乱花钱..但肯为你花钱..

11.拥抱很久..很紧..

12.记得你说过的所有事..

13.轻轻拧开你拧不开的汽水瓶..

14.常常发消息告诉你..突然很想你..

15.常常给你留言..

16.不舒服时..他会很担心很着急..

17.吵架时不会一走了之..

18.他错了会认错..你错了不会怪你..

19.吵架后..会无条件地哄你..放下面子..

20.从不忍心责备你..无条件包容你..

21.会一直保护你..害怕你受一点点委屈..

22.你说笑话他会笑..会觉得你很可爱..

23.比你高..

24.会一个人安静地思考..但决不冷漠..

25.许多方面都很厉害..让你崇拜..

26.会一直夸你..给你鼓励..

27.不对你隐瞒什么..

28.百分百信任你..

29.不花言巧语..

30.不会因为玩游戏而忽略你..

31.不抽烟少喝酒..

32.有活动安排事先和你打招呼..

33.和朋友出去时..要想着你..

34.重大的事情和你商量..

35.和大人在一起像大人..和孩子在一起像孩子..

36.喜欢你..从未犹豫..不拿你和别的女孩子比较..

37.从未想过离开你的世界..

38.你买给他的东西他都会喜欢..

39.对女孩子有风度..也有距离..

40.认识你的一些好朋友..拜托她们照顾你..

41.了解你的烦恼与困惑..不厌其烦地倾听..

42.很少让你哭..你哭的时候会很心疼..紧紧地抱住你..告诉你都是他的错..

43.可以随时找到他..

44.靠在他肩膀的时候很安心..

45.和他在一起有种温暖的感觉..

46.不重色轻友..也不重友轻色..

47.计划的未来里..你是重要的一部分..

My friend on FB actually posted this, then i take i look at it ...

From the list, i realized there is a number of things that i didn't do ..

8.从来不迟到..你迟到他不会生气

( never late, will never get mad if she was late)

17.吵架时不会一走了之..

( will not just left the scene during a quarrel)

18.他错了会认错..你错了不会怪你..

( will admit for his fault, but never blame for hers)

19.吵架后..会无条件地哄你..放下面子..

(will put down his ego and coax for after a quarrel)

20.从不忍心责备你..无条件包容你..

( will never have the intention to blame)

25.许多方面都很厉害..让你崇拜..

( talented and admirable )

41.了解你的烦恼与困惑..不厌其烦地倾听..

( understand your problem and will always be there to listen)

42.很少让你哭..你哭的时候会很心疼..紧紧地抱住你..告诉你都是他的错..

( will only blame himself for all the fault, hardly let you cry and will always hold you tight)

44.靠在他肩膀的时候很安心..

( someone that make you feel secure)

45.和他在一起有种温暖的感觉..

( feel the warmth being together)

Out of the 47 things in the list, there is 10 things that i think i actually failed

Maybe there are more than 10 things, I'm not sure .. ..

But with 10 out of the 47 , i think i actually not a really good BF ..

sigh ... should have realized this note early on ..

so that i could reflect myself from it and improve

BUT, i am improving now ... ... ... it might just be too late

The feeling of missing her just got more intense ..

I love you very much *

and miss you very much too *

I will always be there waiting for you *