Chinese New Year is here ...

I remember last year CNY, is in the middle of my internship

also because of it, i started to fall in love with her as i mentioned before

feel so sad that i couldn't celebrate this festive season with her, though i wish for it very much

I miss her more and more over the days

just couldn't forget her, forget what happened between us.

it might just be a small part of our life, but it mean whole lot to me.

I really feel she is the one for my future, we planned alot for our future too.

Today i smsed one of my friend, it actually feel like as if i just know my friends during our internship together.

How good if it all restart and i know all of them once again.

Then i could start our relationship with her in a much better way, and it would last longer

My brother actually asked me for movie tomorrow night with my parents

but i refused, because i just couldn't take it, it remind me so much of the past.

I just don't want to watch movie during CNY, especially CNY related movies.

I might just not appear in her mind all these days after we break up

but i can confirm with you that she did, appear in my mind all the time, every single milliseconds

She did tell me that she don't love me anymore and will not come back to my side when we break up

but some how I just don't feel like giving up, though i feel very suffer all this while

this utterly the most foolish thing i ever do

WHY is DEX THO SHI LEONG So FOOLiSH??

WHy i wanna hurt myself ?

SHe will not care anymore ?!

SHe might just laughing behind me and say " this is one stupid boy ?! " HOw funny is that ?"

" he is so effing dumb that think he is one loyal XBF ?" " day dream all the time, WTF ?"

That is because she don't realized how important is she to me ...

Maybe she never did, until she don't love me anymore and dump me ..

But till then it doesn't matter anymore

I spent most of the time in my day, sleeping and chatting with friends, hang out with friends, try

to have most of my time occupied ..

By no matter how bad i crack jokes, how hard i laughed, how funny is the movie i watched

i just couldn't get rid of her from my mind, she is just there every single moment

since the day our relationship started until it ends until this very moment, she is in my mind

My life nowadays is filled with regrets, regrets of the past.

Why didn't i realize and change before such things happen ?

People around tell me that " what is the point to regret ?? when things have already happened?"

but i already started to change, for the good of course ? beside that is regret ....

i really hope she will give me another chance, and i will not disappoint her again.

I really do think i still worth one more chance, one last chance ..

Because i really don't wish to losses her once again, if only she will be with me again.

I past my day with sadness, regret and tears

hatred of myself, my attitude ..

New Year just don't seems to be a new start for me ..

not that i don't listen to other people's advice, not that i don't appreciate their presence

I do, i really do, I really do appreciate their guidance

She just mean too much for me, i losses so much of myself, i just can't get all those pieces together, some just gone forever..

I am sorry, i ruin her life and my own life ..

Sometime when i am driving, i really do feel like crash together with my car, or get a knife to cut myself, or just keep hitting the wall until i break my fingers

but i just can't .. i cannot do such foolish things anymore.. sigh ..

HAppy CHinese New Year ?

She will have her CNY holidays else where

i just hope she will have a safe flight to and back

and have a enjoyable trip

小涂涂 love you ~